You’ve probably all seen me whining about essays through facebook statuses by now so I think I’m gonna shut up with them and let it all out here.
WHY AM I FINDING THIS ESSAY SO FUCKING HARD?!
This was an optional module, an area I am interested in. SCS1005, Gender, Sex and Sexuality. I read about this stuff in my fucking free time for God’s sake and yet I can’t write a simple 2000 word essay on it?! 2000 words is nothing! WHY THE FUCK IS MY BRAIN NOT WORKING?!
I keep waiting for something to click in the mass of nuerons in my head. I keep thinking, ok, so you’ve not found your stride yet? Watch another episode of Desperate Houseives, get yourself 42 minutes closer to the deadline and then your brain will go hey, PRESSURE, NOW I CAN WORK. And bam you’ll bash it out in a few hours. Well I have less than 15 precious hours until this deadline and still nothing has clicked.
For some reason my concentration is shot to pieces. The main reason I can’t complete this essay yet is I need to do more reading to back up what I want to say but I can’t concentrate long enough to finish any reading. As soon as I see something relevant my brain flags it up and I hurry over to my essay to try and include it without bothering finishing the ready. As such my essay is being written one painstaking fact at a time because I appear to be too bloody impatient to sit and read a whole article.
And on the rare occasions I do sit and read the whole article I forget most of what was said by the time I’m at the end.
And my brain won’t let me take notes. My brain goes, why the fuck are you writing this in notes when you just have to write it in the essay afterwards. YOU’RE WRITING THINGS TWICE THIS IS WASTING TIME! GO STRAIGHT TO THE ESSAY AND ADD IT! And my brain thinks it’s clever for saving me time. But it’s not. It’s not clever and it’s NOT saving me time.
Every sentence I add is taking an age. I write it. Then I move it to a different part of the essay. Then I change the ordering of the words. Then I realise it doesn’t fit there anymore cause I changed the ordering of the words so I change the ordering again. Then I delete it cause I’ve just read the next part of the article and realised that I misunderstood the author’s point. Then I claw at my forehead, drink BOOST energy drink and chain smoke. Then I watch another episode of Desperate Housewives.
I need to stop focussing on the fact that this essay is giving me difficulty. I am wasting precious brain space trying to figure out why I can’t do this one and why my GEO163 one was a doddle in comparison. It doesn’t matter why I can’t do it. If I keep trying to think why I can’t do it then I won’t be able to do it because my brain is going ‘you don’t think you can do that, I’m trying to think of a reason why, stop doing it otherwise all my time spent trying to figure out why you can’t do it will have been wasted cause you’ve gone and done it.’
I’m rambling. I’M RAMBLING IN THE ESSAY TOO! I’m wandering off topic and not properly concluding paragraphs. Do you know how many words I’ve written here so far? 600. I’d be nearly done with my essay by now if I could’ve written 600 on to that. So I’m going to shut up here. For now. I feel slightly better for this release but I’ll probably come back and edit in more frustrations as we enter the wee hours of the morning.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go drink BOOST energy drink and chain smoke. I’ve run out of episodes of Desperate Housewives to watch.
EDIT:- The more I research, the more I realise I am missing out huge chunks of important arguments in my pile of wank, vague, scatterbrained essay.